just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
MIDGETS
????
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
