He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
