To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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