Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
