Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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