Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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