Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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