Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
