Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
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The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
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The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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