i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
This is classic penis vs brain.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
