Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
