I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
