does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
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He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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