Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
