i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
