Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
