We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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