dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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