You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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