Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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