your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
