cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
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Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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