Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
