I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
