my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
