my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
