im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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