woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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