mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
