I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize