Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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