If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
