last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
