she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
