I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
