Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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