I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
