i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
