sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
