No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
