worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
