The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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