I wish I could teleport
im six kinds of drunk right now
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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