fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
tell your sister to shave her snatch
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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