this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
