I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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