i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.