I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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