my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
where am i from again
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
