The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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