Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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