i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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