Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
