My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
