9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
