Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I am midnight drunk by noon
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
