Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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