Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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