im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
