you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
