I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
